Do you live with POTS but struggle to get enough salt in your diet? I adore salty snacks & adding lots of salt to my food but I know many people who can think of nothing worse. If, like me, you have POTS or other conditions which cause low blood pressure it’s likely medical professionals have spoken to you about getting more salt and increasing your water intake. Of course these levels differ from person to person but 3-10g of salt a day is usually recommended along with around 3 litres of water. This has been found to increase blood volume & therefore lowers heart rate & increases blood pressure which helps to create a better equilibrium in POTS patients and reduce symptoms such as dizziness. But getting enough salt can be difficult so this is where Vitassium comes in.
Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional and speak about chronic illness from my own personal experiences and share what has helped me but it may or may not be suitable for you. Please always consult a doctor before adding salt to your diet as it is not suitable for everyone including those with high blood pressure or kidney problems. Vitassium is designed to be used under medical supervision. I work with Vitassium as a brand partner and this post is part of a paid partnership. I only ever agree to do ads for products I use regularly and love.
There are so many reasons I love using Vitassium’s Buffered Electrolyte Salt Capsules to help increase my salt intake:
When I found myself single at the beginning of 2020 I thought any hopes for my love life were completely off the cards. How on earth can I think about dating when I can’t meet anyone? But there was a voice in the back of my mind saying ‘Rapunzel met her prince in quarantine, so maybe you can too’. Little did I know my fairy-tale Lockdown love story was about to begin! When I signed up to online dating in Lockdown 1 I’d never done it before; I didn’t expect much. So if you’d told me that by Lockdown 2 I’d be living with the love of my life & our pet hedgehog, I definitely wouldn’t have believed you. Watching my Youtube videos you’ll know about my life with Ian & Honey but I’ve never shared how vital virtual dating was to our early relationship. If you’ve never done it, it seems like a scary concept but I found it much easier than dating IRL because it took the pressure off & meant we could get to know each other first. So if you’re looking for some ideas on how to make virtual dating work for you, with a new partner or long-term flame, here’s our top tips:
I’d been out of the Essex dating scene for a long time so I had no idea what kind of people I could expect. Although video dating doesn’t come with the same dangers as meeting in person, I still didn’t want to give out my number or social media to a stranger so using zoom is great because all you need is a link. If the date doesn’t go well they can’t bother you.
There are 2 main difficulties with virtual dates: firstly, much like working from home, any kind of dress code has gone out of the window. I made a special effort for all of our dates, however Ian did the classic nice jumper & pyjama bottoms. I was a little sad when I noticed. For some people this is a big deal & for others it’s not, so message about whether you’re going all out, smart casual or sticking to your pjs before switching on your cameras. The second is there’s no set end time, if you go to a pub or restaurant you have to leave by closing but we would lose track of time, ending up talking at 2 or 3am on a school night which played havoc with my sleep.
Ian & I got to know alot about each other quickly by playing 2 truths & a lie. But a month in we needed to come up with some fresh ideas so turned to a great site I’d remembered from when I was in a LDR. It had 100+ ideas of fun things we could do whilst we were apart. One of my favourite memories was making virtual babies. To cure my lockdown boredom I got Sims & we’d play over zoom using screen share. We created our dream house, then made our sims do all the things we longed to do (WooHoo in the Hot Tub anyone? ;P)
People fall in love in lots of different ways so be sure to mix up your mediums. On days when you aren’t having official dates phone each other on your lunch break, play games & ask questions over text, send memes, selfies and videos of your day to bring each other closer. We also really enjoyed watching movies simultaneously & texting along. It was actually very strange watching a film together in person and not talking the whole way through because we were so used to it.
I hope that’s given you some ideas of how you can make virtual dating work for you. Don’t give up on Lockdown love, I’m living proof that it can happen!
On a normal year I would normally not even have started my holiday shopping yet and I would be a complete Scrooge to anyone I came across playing holiday music or who had put their Christmas tree up already. Maybe it’s because I have a November birthday, but usually I think the longer Christmas gets dragged out, the less magical it becomes. But this, my friends, is not a normal year. 2020 has been so unprecedented (#WordOfTheYear) that this year I’m doing everything I can to make it a little bit more magical so I’ve already done the vast majority of my holiday shopping and will probably spend most of the weekend begging my partner to let me put the decorations up (I got away with some fairy lights in the living room last week). With all this in mind I wanted write a little something to help you forget the troubles of the year and get you excited for the holiday season, whether you are searching for a gift for a chronically ill loved one or you are a spoonie looking for ideas for your winter wish list, here’s lots of things I’m loving right now.
Note – If you don’t have a chronic illness or disability and are looking for a gift for someone who does please talk to them first. There may be things you wouldn’t even think of which mean they can’t use something which you think is a lovely gift. Whether it’s due to allergies, intolerance, sensory processing or aspects of their condition which might make things difficult. For example I am intolerant to lots of different foods which most of my loved ones know about but I’m also intolerant to certain fragrances and can’t take baths so something like bath salts which help a lot of people who live with chronic pain would be useless to me. My tip to keep things a surprise is to ask general questions around a type of gift (Do you like bath sets or What’s your favourite makeup brand) or ask about a particular allergen/ irritant (Can you tolerate wool? – you could be thinking of anything from a scarf to a blanket)
(Disclaimer: Some of the links below are affiliate links, meaning, at no additional cost to you, I may earn a commission if you click and make a purchase.)
Spoonie Apparel & Accessories:
This was really the first brand I knew about that made clothes for people with chronic illnesses by people with chronic illnesses. They have an incredible range of super comfortable tops and hoodies with hilarious chronic illness related phrases on them then they also have ones you wouldn’t necessarily know were chronic illness related unless you dug a little deeper, for example my one which says ‘Pretty Sick‘. But the best, most ingenious product they have by far which would make a great gift is their heat pad jeans which are comfy jeans with specially designed pockets for heat pads to ease stomach pain and cramps. You can also get 15% off shopping with them by using code: ChronicallyJenni . Shop with them by clicking here.
Unstigma shop has a HUGE array of spoonie related clothes and accessories from tops & jumpers to jewelry and even Christmas decorations! Plus they have lots of festive and topical pieces which aren’t spoonie related too. I have got their ‘Strong but Tired’ sweatshirt which is 100% the most comfortable things I’ve ever owned! I think their stuff would make a great gift as it has some brilliant humor in a lot of their pieces which would make us spoonies giggle even on a bad day – and did i mention how comfortable it is!! You can use code: JENNI15 for 15% off! Shop here!
Spoonie survival kits is an incredible little fundraising social enterprise and although they are closing at the end of the year they are going out with a bang by donating 100% of the profits to the amazing charity Astriid who help people with long-term health conditions find meaningful work.They still have some sustainable self-care kits and insomnia spoonie survival kits left on their etsy so be sure to grab them before they’re gone.
As well as being an amazing community for chronic illness support spoonie village have a store full of bits a pieces to lift any spoonies mood from badges and stickers to art prints and gift boxes.
If you are reading this and know anything about me you will know how much I love and adore my Neowalks walking stick family. I got my first one back in September 2019 and I currently have 4 in my collection. You might think a mobility aid is a rubbish gift but these are the perfect gift because they are useful AND beautiful! My Partner got me my light up DNA stick for my birthday and it was the best gift I got! If you can imagine a stick Lyndsay will somehow manage to make your stick dreams come true I have ones with bubbles, one that light ups and one with interchangeable sections so I can have different colours everyday. Plus she does a whole range of sparkly accessories for them including wrist straps and colour changing elements for light up sticks (which are definitely on my Christmas list!) Plus she now does polishing kits so if you or your loved one all ready has one of these fabulous sticks you can get them an added extra to keep them scratch free. The sticks are made to order and aren’t height adjustable so you will need to get a measurement so it’s best to ask or to measure a mobility aid they already have. For any fellow bendys (people with EDS or HSD) I highly recommend the question mark handle head to my youtube channel to find out more. There are also some great black friday deals to be had including 20% light up sticks using code fridaylight20 (27.11-4.12). To see more of my Neowalks collection head to my instagram and to see the huge range of neowalks colours and designs head here.
Silver ring splints are another type of beautiful mobility aid that can definitely be a gift. When I worked at a
cinema and took tickets I had lots of compliments from customers on my interesting and stylish rings and they had no idea about the support those rings were giving my finger joints. Zomile is the best in the biz and has detailed measuring guides to help find the perfect ring size. This does mean this gift probably can’t be a surprise but you can get jazzy with them and choose your metal and extra gem stones to add an element of surprise. Another beautiful but also practical gift! Last day to order for Christmas delivery is 10.12
I don’t know a spoonie who doesn’t love a comfort item whether it’s blankets of fluffy socks or cosy pjs. My sister gets me a new set of zebra pjs pretty much every year without fail and I always love them. This year I am 100% in on the matching pj trend and managed to persuade my partner to get use some lovely ones form ASDA. He wouldn’t go as far as getting Christmas ones but I’m sure I’ll be able to change his mind ( fingers crossed). ASDA, Primark, Avon and Next are definitely my go to places when it comes to comfies whether it’s blankets or pjs.
I know lots of people like to give more fun gifts at Christmas but I will never turn away a practical present. These things can be expensive and can add up so I always love getting helpful, useful and practical things to help manage my gifts. Who wouldn’t want a gift that gives them more energy and reduces their pain even if it might be seen as boring. I got a shower stool for my 21st birthday and it was the best present I ever got. Not the plastic and metal that makes the chair but the gift of being able to shower independently.
I have lots of different guides and survival kits which include all the things I find useful to manage my EDS & POTS which you can find below and I’m updating them all the time. Most of the items are helpful for all sorts of pain and fatigue so will also help people with a wide range of conditions.
You might think I’m talking about gift vouchers from shops and although these can make great gifts this kind of voucher will cost you very little but will make a huge difference to a spoonie. As someone with a chronic illness I often feel guilty about asking for help or not being able to do certain things but I often need help. I would love for a friend or family member (maybe not someone I live with) to give me some hand written vouchers as free passes so I don’t have to feel guilty. For example a booklet including things like ‘I’ll come over and do your washing up’ ‘a load of laundry on me’ ‘I will cook us a meal’ would mean so much and is much more useful to me than flowers or chocolates.Obviously covid restrictions may make this difficult at the moment but definitely one to keep in the back of your mind for future reference. Another thing I often struggle with is cooking when my pain and fatigue flares up so a voucher for just eat, deliveroo or uber eats (depending on your area) would be a great gift so I don’t have to feel bad for spending out on a takeaway when I don’t have the energy to cook.
Food can be really tricky for many people with chronic illnesses. Some might have allergies or intolerances and some might not be able to eat at all or only eat very small amounts at a time so something you might think of as a treat might be the absolute opposite. For the most part I’d rather stay away from food as I’ll tell people what I can have and they’ll always try and change it up slightly; they think picking a different flavour from the same brand might be more interesting but often it means I can’t have it at all. To avoid disappointment I’d rather buy my own treats.
If you are looking for a sweet treat for people with allergies and/intolerances I do highly reccomend NOMO chocolate. It’s the best vegan choclate I’ve ever tasted and, believe me, I’ve tried A LOT! It’s free from Gluten, egg, nuts and dairy but has wonderful flavours. Another brand I highly reccommend is Livia’s which has lots of different gluten free, vegan and refined sugar free treats. But if you are getting any food please double check the ingredients don’t just assume because it’s from the free from section that it will be free of everything your loved one is allergic to.
Charities have all had a difficult year this year so if you really can’t think what to get some maybe consider donating to a favourite charity, perhaps one that supports people with your loved ones condition. Many charities also have only shops selling clothing and accessories which help the charity massively, I know POTS UK are even doing christmas decorations so definitely see what charities have to offer.
Aware causes also make awareness jewelery and clothing in every awareness colour possible and donate a percentage of the proceeds to your chosen charity.
Small Business Shoutout:
We all know 2020 has been a very difficult year for small businesses so I wanted to promote a few of my favorites to give you some extra ideas for the spoonies and non-spoonies in your life:
The Princess Emporium – Gift Vouchers for a visit from a princess for your little ones if you are local to Essex in the UK or video messages if you are outside of the area. Find them at http://www.instagram.com/theprincess_emporium
By Chloe Louise Art – Chloe does incredible artwork including houses, travel and pet portraits. I bought an image of my Partner & I’s first holiday to Cromer and it makes me smile everyday! Find her at http://www.instagram.com/by.chloe.louise.art
Imogen Rose Designs – Imogen make beautiful handmade jewelery from seaglass she finds on the beaches in Suffolk. I love my necklace from her it’s so beautiful, simple and elegant. Find her at http://www.instagram.com/imogenrosedesigns
Hummingbird Natural Beauty – Lovely handmade soaps, soy candles and scrunchies made from all natural ingredients in South Africa ( check ingredients before buying for a spoonie) Find them at http://www.instagram.com/humming.bird.naturalbeauty
Andyours- Amy makes the most beautiful handmade scrunchies you’ve ever seen in an incredible array of colours and fabrics but what is most special is that 25% of the proceeds from orders including Zebra scrunchies goes to EDS UK. Find her at http://www.instagram.com/andyours__
The Stagey Couple- If you have a friend who loves musical theatre these are the people for you with everything from badges to posters but be quick as their store closes for Christmas orders on 4/12. Find them at http://www.instagram.com/thestageycouple
I hope you have found that gift guide helpful and that you find the perfect gift for the spoonie in your life ( or the perfect gift for your wishlist). Have a wonderful gift buying season and let me know if there’s anything else I should include in the comments and what your perfect christmas gift would be.
Spoons & Love,
Something people may not know about me is that I’ve struggled with my mental health for a long time. I’ve been living with anxiety much longer than I’ve been living with the symptoms of my physical conditions; so why do I find it so easy to talk about my physical difficulties and discomfort but almost shameful to talk about my mental ones. Anxiety disorders affect 1 in 8 people each year, I’d argue it is now probably even more common in a COVID-19 world, whereas hEDS affects 1 in 5000 so I figured it was about time to address this imbalance and finally give my anxiety a nod.
I remember having my first anxiety attack it was in an exam that I was too young to really be taking, the worry built up and built up until I couldn’t focus on the questions, completely blanked because all I could think about was how I wasn’t good enough and how I was going to fail until all I could do was cry in the middle of the exam hall. Of course it ended up as a self for-filling prophecy and I ultimately did badly. For me my anxiety manifests as never being good enough. I always feel I should be doing better and doing more, which is a bit of a nightmare when you also have the energy limits of a chronic illness. Sometimes it’s little things like not wanting to phone people because I’m scared of what they might say or what I might say, I much prefer to email so at least I have a vague sense of control on my end. Other times it’s crying alone in bed because I fear those I love will leave me however much they try to reassure me. For a long time I had Trichotillomania where I would pull my eyebrows out with my fingers without even realizing often in the middle of class at college or uni due to the stress my anxiety was causing and I would have to hide it with makeup. Today, I feel like I’m a bad friend, a selfish girlfriend and that I’m not doing enough in any of my jobs including supporting my online community. I feel awful taking days off because I worry about missing something or being seen as lazy. This is where anxiety and depression can often meet, when believing that you will never be good enough begins to turn into ‘What’s the point?’
Then there’s the anxiety that often comes with having a chronic health condition. The fear of seeing new doctors who don’t understand or blatantly belittle you. The ones who tell you it’s all in your head and you’re being dramatic. The ones who can’t see the difference between mental and physical illnesses and the ones who can’t understand they are also linked. Like so many my POTS was misdiagnosed as anxiety, even though I knew this wasn’t the case (I knew the difference). What was worse was that I was then never given any care for my anxiety. I’d get frustrated and upset, angry at myself and others. This disbelief I had from the medical community for so many years means that seemingly confident me just shuts down and cries whenever a doctor says something I don’t agree with and I’m unable to advocate for myself the way I should. Psychology is often offered as part of pain management programmes and this can scare many people off because they instant believe those Drs think their pain is in their head but actually they are trying to undo the harm and mental strain caused by not only the pain itself and how that can make you feel but also the medical trauma left behind.
These days I’ve had my fair share of therapy. It hasn’t cured me and I don’t think it ever will. Some I absolutely hated and dreaded their appointments often avoiding them. Others have been great and although I found some of their practices difficult I was able to talk openly and freely about how I was feeling and in turn was able to talk to friends and my support system who I didn’t want to bother before because I felt they didn’t need my problems on top of all of theirs.
Obviously this is just my experience and there have also been dark times that I don’t want to relive out on the internet but I hope in sharing a snippet of my story I can help to normalize anxiety and other mental health struggles and break down the stigma so we don’t feel so afraid to talk about it.
I also have a few final reminder to those who have been lucky enough not to struggle themselves. Firstly, I am the happiest I’ve ever been with amazing friends, a wonderful boyfriend and a stable job and home but I still struggle with anxiety: happiness does not necessarily equal wellness. Finally I want to share my favourite quote which reminds everyone not to judge a book by it’s cover: Every one is fighting a battle you know nothing about, be kind, always.
Don’t forget to wear yellow today to spread awareness of World Mental Health Day
Spoons & Love
This is my first September as an adult. ‘Why do you say that Jenni? Aren’t you almost 25?’ That fact is true, so I have supposedly been an adult for 7 years. And although I thought I was ‘all grown up’ at 14 I haven’t truly felt it until now. I blame September. Growing up in the UK education system, September has always brought around the most change for me, much bigger than a new calendar year. The beginning of a new year of school, college or university always brought new challenges. This is actually my 3rd September as an adult not in the education system; The first was 2016 when I was very sick and waiting for surgery on my CSF leak feeling strange seeing all my friends go back to uni without me. And then there was last year as a new graduate. I was basically unemployed and stressing about finding work, especially with my health conditions. I was feeling pretty low and by early October I was visiting my old uni campus to get a taste of the change I was missing in my life. I found it frustrating living at home after being independent for so long, I was in the same Saturday job I’d had since I was 17 and was in a long-term relationship which I refused to believe was going nowhere. After waiting so long to finish my degree due to my health I thought graduating was the time where my life was finally about to start, but as graduates we definitely put way too much pressure on this as it’s just not the case. I know people who had job offers before they left, some stayed in education, some have changed jobs several times since and others who still haven’t found something; which hasn’t been any easier with the fiasco that’s been 2020. Then there are those like me, who are juggling different jobs trying to find their place. I think we need to be taught in schools and universities that there isn’t one pathway after leaving that system but also that, especially in creative industries, there might be nothing, at least for a little while. The days of people having one job and working for one company their whole lives aren’t realistic anymore. I still don’t think people consider me to have a ‘proper job’ even though I have lots of small income streams.
This is why I say this is my first September as an adult. Basically because it’s my first stable September where nothing is changing and not much (hopefully) is about to. I think with all the craziness of this year I’m very grateful for that. When I look back an awful lot has changed in the past year, even in just the last 6 months. Life moves so quickly sometimes you forget how much you have actually achieved. In the last year; I started two new jobs simultaneously, one where I get to be a Princess every week; I finally go to join the YouTube Partner Programme; went ginger; survived the break up of a 6 year relationship, the death of my only grandfather and the lockdown for a global pandemic all happening at once with my mental health mostly in tact; started a new relationship with someone who makes me very happy; and have practically moved out of my mum’s place where I’ve lived for the last 15 years. And, of course, knowing me, I’ve still been beating myself up for not doing more or trying harder despite the fact I also have 2 full time chronic illnesses to contend with.
Last week I went back to visit my old university campus and see some of my uni friends. This time I wasn’t yearning to be back there, I’d simply stopped by whilst on a classic 2020 #Staycation. It was strange for a couple of reasons. Firstly, because it was so eerily quiet, usually there are always people just sitting in the main square enjoying the sun (term-time or not) but, apart from some builders there was no one to be seen, I feel very sorry for those who are going to be starting their uni experience like this in the coming weeks. Secondly, because I had gone with someone who had never been to UEA (University of East Anglia) before and, apart from a few stories, had very little idea about my life there, the massive roller coaster of a journey and the impact that place has had on the person I am today. But it was so nice to be able to see my former home through fresh eyes as I showed them around and appreciated it’s concrete beauty and the feeling of home I experienced the first time I visited. It was also different because although it had been the longest I’d ever gone without a visit since I started back in 2014, I hadn’t missed it and I hadn’t longed to be back there, It was simply like saying hello to an old friend. The important things I was taught there, the memories made, the struggles I overcame and the people I met will always stay with me but I feel I am no longer tied to it; ‘The past is a nice place to visit but certainly not a good place to stay’, and I don’t need to stay anymore.
So here’s to the September’s of true adulthood. There ones where nothing changes. Where you work the same job and pay the same bills and the biggest challenge is deciding exactly when to put away your summer clothes for the year.
What does September mean for you?
My personal life is something I’ve always kept fairly private but in the world of social media sometimes this can skew the view of what it is like to be in a relationship whilst being diagnosed with a chronic illness. For the readers who are looking for the drama, this isn’t going to be a post for you. This is for anyone who has felt that their or their partner’s illness has had an impact on their relationships and felt alone and unable to speak about it. My personal experience doesn’t speak for everyone with a chronic illness but relationships and chronic illness are a tricky balance whatever the circumstances so I wanted to share a little of my past and my hopes for the future. So here’s a ‘Shout Out To My Ex’ and a letter entitled ‘Dear Future Husband’ as I find myself single and chronically ill in the middle of a global pandemic.
I was with my Ex-boyfriend for almost 6 years. We met when I was a very different person. We met in a club, I know, almost laughable now. We met before I was unwell and had a magical 6 months, which I can barely remember, where I was healthy. Then the headaches started and, if you are a regular here, you know the rest of the story with my health.
I’m not 100% sure exactly when we lost ‘it’. But what you probably don’t know is that this is the 5th or 6th time we’ve broken up over the past 3 years. I want to share something I wrote but never published from a break up in March 2018. I know we had other problems but at the time one of the main things we argued about was my health. I called the piece ‘In Sickness & In Health:
‘You’d like to think that if you can get through the hardest days with someone, if someone has loved you unconditionally having pushed you around in your wheelchair, lifted you out of the shower and picked you up off the bathroom floor, that they’ll always be there, especially when you started to get better, right?
When I realised in early 2016 that most of my health issues over the previous 18 months were incurable and genetic I gave my boyfriend of 2 years the classic ultimatum: If you want to leave now I wouldn’t blame you for a second. And I wouldn’t have. This thing, this illness, happened to me. Not to him. I didn’t have a choice in my diagnosis or where that left my future, he did. But he made the choice to stick it out. Like most noble (and foolish) gentlemen. And over the next year as my health continued to deteriorate, I continually told him it was okay if he wanted to run. When we started dating I was an 18-year-old college student who played badminton and football and could dance the nights away. No one could’ve guessed the path life would take. Me throwing up in restaurant toilets and organising dates around hospital appointments was not what he’d signed up for. It wasn’t what I’d signed up for either but my body was the issue and, irritatingly, it’s not something I could run away from.
Turns out he cared about me and this broken body of mine and he stayed. He stayed through the surgeries and the sleepless nights and through the countless times I screamed, cried and begged for him to make the pain in my head go away. Looking back it was obviously hard on me but it must have been pretty hard on him too.
After I’d recovered from the ‘4 surgeries in 5 months’ saga of 2017, I was starting to get better and things were starting to get easier. I guess it was about here things started to change. Things were just different. I was getting better and stronger but we would see each other and do fun things less and less.
I know what you’re all thinking. ‘Didn’t you go back to university? Some people can’t handle long distance.’ And don’t get me wrong the distance was tough, but we’d done it before, for over a year. We knew we wouldn’t see each other as much as the first time around but we had a plan in place before I left. But the hour-long skype calls of years gone by turned into 3 minutes on the phone.
Whilst my parents and new uni friends were noticing huge changes in my health and abilities, he never saw it. I came home to perform for my old stage school in February, an enormous achievement for me, and I wanted him there to see me sing and dance on stage for the first time since we had met 4 years before. And he came, but instead of telling me he was proud of me or being amazed that the girl that could barely walk the year before was dancing (for 3 minutes before POTS attacked backstage), he said nothing. His only comment was on the quality of the kids before me, oh and the lighting.
He decided not to come and visit when he said he would. We kept arguing over the phone. I told him I couldn’t keep putting in the effort for the both of us and it spiraled away into the same argument that we would have over and over. And then he brings up my illness. He spoke about how hard he found it, when he didn’t speak up at the time and we should’ve been working through it together. He talked about not being able to do things and go to places because of me, when he’d never even suggested things for me to make a judgement call on (There’s not much that I won’t at least give a go). He started chatting about how frustrating my walker is, even though he took my point that without it he’d still be pushing me around. He would never like me using any of my mobility aids and always wanted them out of the way for pictures. It got to the point where he didn’t even like me wearing zebra print. He was embarrassed.
Part of me reckons that he still thinks I am much sicker than I am, because why should this all come out when I’m so much better. But part of me also wonders whether he thought I would be ‘fixed’. The surgeons, physios and doctors would click their fingers and I’d be back to the girl I once was. I have wished for it to be that simple for a long time and I’ve been working my butt off to live a ‘normal’ life but I’ll never go fully back, it’s just not how things work. Maybe the real reason is something completely different, though I’m not sure if that’s better or worse.
He will always hold a special place in my heart for holding my hand throughout my sickness, It’s just a shame he couldn’t have stayed and enjoyed the ‘health’.’
It took me a long time to be proud of my achievements, use my mobility aids with pride and be the confident #babewithamobilityaid that I am today, so for the person closest to me to make me feel bad about that was heartbreaking. He always wanted to be on the go and doing things and I just couldn’t keep up (I have no idea how lockdown has suited him but I can’t imagine it went well). But because I wanted to save what was hanging on by a thread I’d fold my stick up in my bag as soon as I was with him and go on the ‘adventure’ even if it was just a trip to a shopping centre and feel the pain and the exhaustion at home later, when he couldn’t see. I felt like such a hypocrite for telling others online to own their conditions when I was ashamed of mine around him. Ultimately I was different to the girl he fell in love with. The adjustment was hard for me to face but I had no other option, I think he wanted to ‘do the right thing’ when really he wanted to be with a girl who no longer exists.
When I was at my sickest I felt like I didn’t have a friend in the world. I was extremely lonely. I hadn’t yet discovered this amazing online community and thought no one would ever understand. He was all I had. He knew that, I think he still felt that pressure even after I found my amazing friends. But it also meant that when things started to go wrong I put up with them. And I put up with more and more. Every time we broke up I’d let him talk me back into staying because I was afraid there would be no one else; who would want to be with the sick girl? (we’ll talk more about this in a second). The personal stuff will always remain personal and it can be hard to see from the inside when things aren’t right but the one thing I have learnt is: just because you aren’t being treated badly in a relationship, it doesn’t mean you are being treated well. And I honestly think the kindest thing you can do when you know it’s over is to let it be over (Illness totally aside). You save both of you a lot of time in an unhappy relationship. The end of our relationship hasn’t gone the amicable way I would’ve liked it to, but I do know we are both happier and I do feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I’m free to truly be myself.
There’s hard stuff in every relationship but it’s how you communicate through it that counts and that’s one thing we were always awful at. In the Little Mix song that this section is named after they talk about the deleting of pictures and the blocking of numbers but I’ve never been like that. I don’t understand why people are so keen to erase the memories. I heard a quote today which really resonated: ‘In order to love who you are you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you’. I thought that was important in regards to relationships and chronic illnesses. Whatever bad things happened, there were good times. Especially as I was with my Ex during some of the most formative years of my adult life. I don’t think we truly loved each other for a long time but even if we never speak again he will always be the person who helped me learn to drive, the person I went on my first holidays alone with, the person who was there through all of my crazy uni experience and the person who was my greatest friend when I was at my sickest. So I thank him for that.
I’ve never really dated before and I definitely have never been on a dating app so to start that during a global pandemic has been an interesting experience to say the least. Dating with a chronic illness was something that absolutely terrified me. I was scared no one would understand, they’d all assume my life was awful and sad and that no one would want me for me, they’d just see a walking stick and run. On Tinder, I decided to not show it (I realise I’m lucky to have that option). Firstly because I wasn’t sure how people would react but also because I didn’t want to attract weirdos who would fetishize my disability. In some ways, I think the pandemic has made the whole experience easier for me because there was no pressure to meet up (the ones that wanted to went straight in the bin) and it meant I could get to know people on a different level. There was a strange level of shame I carried with me about my illness. At first when people asked about my blog & youtube channel I’d be vague and tell them it was about lifestyle & health, or say something about makeup so they no longer cared. This makes no sense as they are things I am hugely proud of! Slowly, as people started asking for my Instagram, I started sharing. It was quite a good test without too much heartache because if they took one look at my walking stick and never replied I knew they weren’t for me without having to hear their strange excuses. But overall I was pleasantly surprised by the response. Obviously, it’s tricky because you can’t truly know about someone’s illness until you’re around it a lot of the time and I didn’t go into huge depth about the specifics but it was nice that it could just be seen as something I deal with as opposed to a deal-breaker. I often worry, even with my friends, that I get seen as ‘Jenni, the sick one’ and I don’t think my advocacy work helps that image on occasion, so it’s been really nice to be seen as ‘Jenni, the smart one’ ‘Jenni, the funny one’ Jenni, the silly one’ ‘Jenni, the one who dresses up as a princess’ ‘Jenni, the one who loves Mcfly too much’ ‘Jenni, the one with the cute smile’ or even ‘Jenni, the sexy one’ for a change. I’m not sure what the reality will be like when I am not hiding behind a screen on a virtual date or sat 6 ft away from someone on a socially distanced one, poking them with my walking stick when they veer too close, but it has given me hope.
So this is a little note to my future husband, whoever he may turn out to be:
Dear Future Husband (or just boyfriend, but I am fairly set on the whole fairytale wedding & ‘Mondler’ style marriage thing :P),
You’re quite lucky to be meeting me now whether it’s tomorrow, in five years time or we might have already met. The reason is that I truly hope and pray, perhaps naively, that the worst of my health stuff is over; or at least vaguely understood and well managed. Even if that isn’t the case, I’m a much stronger and more interesting person than I was even a year ago. If you’ve got this far you already care about me for me and you know I am way more than my illness. But you also know my illness is something which does dictate my life a lot. So here’s some warnings and advice about being in a relationship with my chronic illnesses which you might find useful.
Firstly, I think you have to know that you will never understand or even be able to comprehend the amount of pain and symptoms that are going on in my body on a daily basis, unless you have a chronic illness too, which, I’m not going to lie, probably isn’t the best idea given the physical support I sometimes need. You can be the best most caring person in the world and read every book and watch every video and you may be able to sympathise but you will never be able to truly empathise. Just be there. Hold my hand. There will be times when I’m frustrated and times when I’m sad and I may (probably will) take it out on you when it isn’t your fault. I apologise in advance.
You also have to know that I will need help. You will have to do things for me you wouldn’t have to do for a ‘normal’ 20-something-year-old woman. It won’t be sexy! You might have to cut up my food or get me a seat or some water when I’m struggling. Other times you will have to push me around in a wheelchair and help me out of the shower. Sometimes I will be in extreme pain where all I will do is scream and cry and beg you to make it stop. I know it’s hard but don’t try and fix things or suggest things, I know you mean well but, at the end of the day, however much you want to, you can’t take the pain away. Hold my hand and be there. Eventually, it will pass. When I’m in pain I can forget what helps me but only suggest things you know will help (because they’ve helped before) and are on my flare-up plan; if you ever suggest yoga or turmeric you’ll be out the door before you can say downward dog. You have to accept there will be good days and bad days and those will be unpredictable. You have learn to manage it the same way I do. And, like me, you will get t wrong sometimes.
I think something that can’t be underestimated with being with someone with a chronic illness is communication. Don’t treat it like an elephant in the room, let’s talk about it. There are no silly questions. I can’t and don’t expect you to know everything, I probably don’t want you to. But learn about spoon theory and ask if I have enough spoons left occasionally. Ask about my actual pain levels vs the ones I’m trying to show the world. Definitely not all the time, but just enough to know you haven’t forgotten the invisible battle I face every day. The biggest thing I felt when I was diagnosed was alone. Alone in finding out stuff and alone in knowing what to do. You’ve probably never heard of my conditions before, I hadn’t. Situations which might have been normal for me for years are all new to you, it can’t be easy. The best thing I ever did was find people with the same condition to talk to, people that understood. So talk to people, find other partners of people with my conditions, ask how they’ve managed and lean on them for support and support them in return.
Finally, for some unknown reason, you love me. You love me and my broken little body. You have no excuses because you DID sign up for this, I will have asked a hundred times if you’re sure and probably tried to scare you off a few times. If you do get scared in the early days it’s probably best not to be selfish and to just let me go, I won’t blame you if it’s too hard. I probably wouldn’t choose it myself if I had the option. But don’t carry it around because you think it’s a bad reason to leave someone and then break my heart later when it gets too much. You’ll have to help me and support me if someone makes an ableist comment and let me meet your family & friends walking stick in hand (Not a common thing you’d expect a young woman to use) and you have to be proud of that. I am proud of that, proud of where I’ve come from and where I hope to go and, despite all the pain, I wouldn’t change it for the world because it is part of who I am. I hope you see that, to be honest we won’t get too far if you don’t.
I can’t wait for all of our wonderful adventures on the good days and to be snuggled up next to you on the days that aren’t so good.
I Love You So Much,
After my successful EDS Survival Kit post some time ago I’ve been meaning to write one for POTS and just never got around to it! Dysautonomia awareness month seemed like the perfect time. A lot of these tips relate to keeping cool as heat intolerance is one of the things I struggle with most but also means it will help anyone who struggles in the heat.
PoTS or Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome is a form of Dysautonomia. Which, without all the big scary words, means that the body struggles to do all the things it’s supposed to do automatically (regulate blood pressure, heart rate etc) when you go from lying to sitting or sitting to standing. It causes a wide range of symptoms from dizziness and fainting to problems with digestion. Heat often makes this so much worse. You can watch me it explain it in full here.
I was diagnosed back in 2016 and now manage my POTS fairly well with medication, exercise and all of the helpful tips, tricks and products I’m about to share with you. If you want to learn more about POTS & Dysautonomia please head to my youtube channel and check out my 2019 Dysautonomia Awareness Month Series! The 2020 series is coming soon you will be able to watch it here.
DISCLAIMER: I’m not a medical professional and POTS and similar conditions vary so much from person to person that these things may or may not be helpful for you. If you’re unsure please contact a medical professional. I am sharing my own personal experience of how they help me manage my condition. Some of the links below are affiliate links, meaning, at no additional cost to you, I may earn a commission if you click and make a purchase.
1. Wearable Fan
This little beauty has literally been an overnight game changer! I ordered it on a whim and it’s been really helpful. The fact it’s handsfree means you can keep cool and it doesn’t distract from your usual activities, I’m literally wearing it as I type. It’s not heavy so isn’t aggravating my neck either. It has 3 speeds settings and is simple to recharge and can last between 3 & 10 hours depending on the settings you use. It also has colour changing lights which are fairly pointless but definitely a bit of fun to brighten up your day. It’s also quiet so wearing it whilst watching TV hasn’t been an issue. For less than £15 it’s an absolute no brainer to help you stay cool for me! Mum bought a fancy Dyson fan this week and I’m nowhere near as impressed with it as I am with this!
One of the worst symptoms of my POTS & EDS has always been headaches. I’ve been using this to help with my headaches for a few months now and it has been amazing as an ‘escape pod for your head’ and it definitely has a dual purpose in keeping you cool in the heat. It uses specially designed ice to keep you cool but means you don’t have to get wet or covered in condensation and the headband is comfy and easily adjustable. It comes with various sizes of ice so you can arrange it just where you need it. I’m excited to do a video for you showing you exactly how it works when my camera is repaired! A couple of cons is that it is a little pricey especially as I was hit with import duty to the UK from Canada but, for the amount I use it, it was definitely worth it and would buy it again in a heartbeat. The only other difficulty I have is if I want to wear my glasses at the same time it can be a bit awkward but I either take my glasses off or have managed to get the placement so it’s comfortable but takes a couple of tries. They also have cooling towels and comfortable mask available.
3. YuYu Bottle
I have been wanting one of these for the last 3 years so I was so happy when I managed to win one in the EDS societies awareness month giveaway! I’ve always known they’ve been a great hot water bottle but as heat can mess with my POTS I could never justify getting it just for my joints and tummy pain. What I only found out on winning it is that you can actually use them for cold therapy too! (They recommend having 2 inner bottles if you are going to switch between hot and cold regularly) All I had to do was half fill my bottle with water fold it in half and pop it in the freezer for an hour and a half and it was perfect snuggle up with and keep me cool! Now the weather is cooler I also use it like a normal hot water bottle to help with my bloating and other gastro symptoms which are exacerbated by my POTS.
A quick word on cooling towels. I bought a Dock & Bay one back in October with high hopes but in all honesty, it just made me feel damp rather than cool and considering when I’m hot I spend a lot of time in bed, it just made my bedding wet and uncomfortable. Maybe okay for the gym but I haven’t used it since. If anyone does know any they’ve found helpful let me know!
4. Finally HYDRATE! I know saying this to someone with POTS who already drinks 3 litres of water a day can seem ridiculous but sometimes when I’m exhausted from the heat I struggle to remember to drink. I do love having my litre water bottle (I would recommend mine but it’s tripled in price since I bought it!!) to fill up and keep track of how much I’ve had. I also keep a 3L dispenser like this one in my room so I don’t have to keep going up and downstairs and aggravating my POTS every time I need a refill. Plus I keep these electrolyte tablets by my bed for days I need an extra hand. Top tip for electrolytes always be careful of ones with added caffeine! If you struggle with drinking so much I ordered some ice lolly makers this week and have loved making different lollies to help stay hydrated!
Other Top POTS hacks!
This is always the first thing I recommend to people who’ve just been diagnosed with POTS. It changed my life. Showering with PoTS is a real challenge. Standing + Heat + Having your hands above your head = a bit of a disaster. So if you take away one of these elements things can become much easier. My Shower Stool was the best, and strangest, 21st Birthday present I got. It gave me my independence back and meant I could shower on my own. I specifically recommend the one linked in the title as it is so easy to put up and take down. I bought another one recently (accidentally not the same brand) as I’d left my original in Norfolk and couldn’t manage without. But on the new one, you needed a screwdriver to put it together and it was a nightmare. So I keep the new one as a permanent feature in my bathroom and take the old one on my travels when I’m staying somewhere that doesn’t have an accessible bathroom. I’m going to look at investing in this one with a swiveling seat in the future!
My hair dryer stand was one of the first things I got after being diagnosed with POTS. Again it gave me so much independence back. My mum and boyfriend at the time tried to dry my hair for me in the early days I did not like it one bit. Drying your hair is another tricky thing with POTS because you’re already feeling exhausted post-shower then you are adding more heat and trying to hold something heavy above your head. This stand means I can sit at my dressing table (or on the floor) and turn as it dries my hair for me. As a Brucie Bonus it also makes life so much easier on my EDS shoulders. If you want to see me using it in action check out one of my early youtube videos here.
A blood pressure monitor is a must-have for me, especially early in my diagnosis. It helped me attribute symptoms to what was going on in my body and let me know what was normal for me and what wasn’t. I think they are also a big help at the moment where drs appointments are mostly over the phone as it means you can still take readings to give to your drs without having to be there in person.
Personally I’ve never been a huge fan of compression socks they always fell down and/or irritated my knees too much (maybe thats an EDS thing) but I do know they work for lots of people. They work by helping the circulation in your legs so you don’t end up with horrible blood pooling and boosting your blood pressure. I’ve always found compression tights or leggings more comfortable.
If you are a low blood pressure POTSie like me you will probably have been told to increase your salt intake. This is definitely something that should be recommended by a dr before you begin though! Salt helps the body retain more of the extra fluid intake that we also need. 3-10g is what is usually recommended. Luckily I love salt and also find my body can taste salt less when I’m feeling worse; its like it knows I need more of it! I love salt popcorn, gluten free pretzels, olives and more. I’ve also been trying out flavoured salts recently and am obsessed with oak smoked salt! Some people struggle to eat enough salt so, in this case, sodium tablets may be prescribed.
POTS often means you are flat out in bed and sometimes this means keeping entertained and distracted can be difficult, this is where my kindle is a lifesaver. It’s got a big enough screen so I can watch my favourite shows on netflix or amazon prime but also has my music, books and more at my fingertips so I don’t have to move and make my symptoms worse when I’m in a flare.
Keeping up some movement is really important with POTS however difficult it is. Before I knew what my POTS was I was so unwell and pretty much bed bound by my symptoms this lead to my body deconditioning and exacerbated my EDS symptoms and made it much harder to get moving again once my POTS was more controlled with medication. The first this my physio recommended to me was a recumbent exercise bike which was really great but I struggled to use. When I’m doing exercise I either like to be outdoors, with other people or also doing something else so I really lacked motivation. But a set of pedals meant they were mobile so I could exercise whilst watching TV or chatting to friends. I’ve since tried a outdoor recumbent bike and absolutely loved it. You can see me exploring with it in this vlog.
8. Babyliss Curl Secret Hair Curlers
Styling your hair with heat is always difficult with POTS but since getting these automatic curlers I have struggled far less. I’m definitely not saying they make it easy and I still avoid it as much as possible but for the days I really want to make that effort I would never go back to other curlers. These make it quicker, the heat is more contained and have also found it less painful on my EDS hands and arms. Bonus is I haven’t burnt myself with them whereas that was a regular occurrence with my wand! It also means if you’re having a really bad day someone who’s never curled hair can do it for you easily if necessary.
9. Gin Gins
Whether it’s hot or not POTS can cause a lot of nausea. I’m lucky that I don’t get it as badly as when I was first diagnosed but I do still suffer with it sometimes and no anti-sickness meds seem to help but these definitely do work for me. They are avaliable in pastilles or chewy, toffee-like sweets and they taste really great.
I really hope you found this helpful and please let me know in the comments what your favourite tip to stay cool is! Or your favourite POTS hack in general. Find more tips in
Spoons & Love to you all and happy dysautonomia awareness month!
‘You look so well’
It’s a phrase I absolutely dread hearing.
The last time I remember hearing it was at my mum’s 60th birthday. Earlier in the day friends and neighbours may have spotted me leaving the house with my walker to get on the bus to pick up the last few supplies for the party after a tearful and stressed out morning. I’d been at Guide camp all week and I was sore and tired. I didn’t have the energy to curl my hair as I’d intended but I threw on a nice (but comfy) jumpsuit and popped on some red lippy. It was my Mum’s 60th, not a night I could really miss out on. But with my walking stick put away and makeup concealing my tired eyes, all of a sudden people see a different person. It’s almost as though, to others, my conditions disappear.
These days I decide honesty is my best policy and reply with ‘I wish I felt it’ and wait for the awkward silence that ensues.
Why can’t people just say ‘you look nice’? What does it have to do with how well I am? Am I not allowed to look nice and have a disability? Am I not allowed to get dressed up and still be in pain? Am I supposed to look unwell all of the time? What does unwell look like? What does a disability look like?
Pain is invisible. Fatigue is invisible. Headaches are invisible. Low blood pressure is invisible. High heart rates are invisible. Very few of the symptoms of my conditions are actual things you can see. But just because you can’t see a disability or condition it doesn’t make it any less real. Sometimes we can smile through the pain and push through the fatigue but it is always there.
Recently I’ve had a lot of comments telling me ‘You’ve Got This’ , and I know I do. I do not post these things for sympathy or encouragement, I post them to make my invisible more visible to those who may not see or understand. I spoke to someone recently who is having problems with pain and we agreed that you can’t mention it all the time because otherwise, we would never talk about anything else. But just because we aren’t talking about it, or we are in a good mood, or we are all dressed up, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist.
I am often terrified to use my blue badge or a disabled toilet without my mobility aid, despite the fact these things help so much and I have full right to use these aids. I fear being tutted at or having a nasty note left on my car because I LOOK young and healthy. I am scared of being seen at the gym for fear that people will think I’m ‘faking it’, even though what they don’t see is the muscle pain I still have 3 or 4 days later.
We all know the phrase don’t judge a book by it’s cover. Feel free to tell me I look great, but never tell me I look well.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be Kind, Always.
Spoons & Love.
September is coming to a close. This month has brought the feeling of new beginnings as little ones head back to school and an autumnal chill fills the air. I know for sure that I’ve already curled up in a blanket and lit a few candles as the evenings become darker. But something you may not know about September is that is it pain awareness month.
Because pain is something we all experience, one of the bodies natural mechanisms that helps protect us from harm, it may seem odd to some of the population that we should need a month dedicated to the awareness of pain. But for those of us who live with pain on a daily basis, it’s important to try and make others aware of how much pain can affect a person’s life.
I have been in constant, chronic pain for the last 5 years. I hope that this is unimaginable for mot people. I have good days and bad days, ebbs and flows, but pain never leaves my side. Sometimes there’s a reason, an acute injury, sprain or dislocation which causes extra pain, but often there are no answers. Pain lives deep within my tissues always simmering away, ready to boil over at any sudden changes. But the most difficult thing about pain is that it’s invisible.
Doctors will often ask you to rate your pain on a scale from 1-10 but there’s no way this can be accurate. Firstly, pain is so subjective and no one can experience pain in the exact same way as someone else, one person’s 4 could be someone else’s 7 and there’s no way to tell. Secondly, there are so many different kinds of pain; the gentle ache touching every muscle in my body might be a 4, the joints in my fingers are sore from typing so maybe they’re a 5, my neck, head and jaw have been on fire for days so maybe they’re a 7. So how can you quantify pain as a single number, it’s so much more complicated than that.
So today I’m writing a letter to pain. The one who has been my mortal enemy and constant companion for so many years:
I’ve known you since I was a child. You always came out to play. I didn’t realise you spent more time with me than other kids, I thought it was normal, so I didn’t think to say. You’d give me headaches as a tween but somehow I always got the blame; I was never drinking enough or eating the right things. It was always my fault. I was just called clumsy as you reminded me of all the bruises and sprains.
But I suppose have to thank you. Without you, I would never have known that something more was wrong. You kept getting worse and letting me know that there was something different about me which doctors couldn’t see. You were blamed on too much medication and anxiety. You were just sending out a warning so I suppose you’re not to blame. But the immediate danger is over now, I fought like you told me to and got us the answers, and yet here you are. I get it, you don’t know any different. You became too efficient. You’re just doing your job. But do you have to mess with my mood and my sleep and my ability to think straight? Do you really have to make me scream and cry and feel like it isn’t worth carrying on?
There’s this magic invention I’ve dreamed of for years where, somehow, I can give you to someone else. Make them see you, feel you. Just for a few seconds. Maybe just for a minute. Maybe the people who didn’t believe you were real can deal with you for a day. So that they can understand that you never leave me, it doesn’t matter if it’s my birthday or Christmas or if I have to go to work. You don’t care. So they could understand that when I talk about you it’s because you’ve become so intolerable that I can’t stand to deal with you alone anymore. I wish they could understand how unpredictable you can be, not being able to plan life from one day to the next because I have no idea when you’ll decide to be angry with me and make me unable to walk or to hold my head up. I wish you could just give me a little heads up sometimes.
A doctor told me recently that a procedure he wanted to do would be painful. ‘Don’t worry, I’m used to pain’, I replied, meaning that I’ve probably had worse. ‘Noone ever gets used to pain’ he said profoundly. And I guess he was right. We’ve been together so long but you still find ways to surprise me wether you stab me in the stomach or pinch at my delicate shoulder joint or send fire burning through my muscles, often for no reason at all. I want to calm you down. I want to make you happy. Whether its vitamins or exercise or cold therapy or some strange gadget, I do everything I can to be free of you, but I know you will always be there and, somehow, I have to learn to live with you. I hope one day we can be happy. You will be kinder to me and I will be kinder to you. I know it’s sad, but I don’t remember what it’s like to live without you.
It’s strange to think, as I sit here in bed in my most comfortable tracksuit with a bloated tummy and sore head, that this time last week I was sat down for a 3-course dinner in a beautiful cathedral, which looked like it had been taken straight out of a Harry Potter film, dressed like a modern-day Ariel who had just learned to walk. I was surrounded by funny, interesting, brilliant people and had just been laughing as Sally Phillips, from Miranda & Bridget Jones’ Diary, made fun of the current mess of our country’s leadership. It definitely wasn’t an ordinary Friday night. I spent last Friday morning traveling to Liverpool for a wonderful and exciting event that evening. I had been nominated for the Positive Role Model for Disability Award at the National Diversity Awards 2019. It was an absolute honour to just be present at such a wonderful occasion. Let alone being there because I had been nominated for an award myself. It was a very special night.
The first surprise of the night came well before we’d even reached the stunning setting of Liverpool’s Anglican Cathedral. After our very long journey’s mum and I got glammed up at our hotel a few miles away. I gave mum a quick lesson in taking the perfect Instagram shots before our Taxi arrived and we headed to the venue. The surprise comes when we get out of the Taxi and he tells us it will only be £3?! I like it up north 😛 Not only this but outside we were greeted by a huge tribe of drummers to welcome us. I was flattered with so many compliments before we’d got to the entrance but I did have a strange conversation with a random stranger who did not appear to be going to the event but merely a passerby. He complimented my hair and then spotted my walking stick and said ‘Is the cane a reference to a film or tv show or something?’ This was a new one. ‘No, it’s just a walking stick’, I replied. ‘Right…Good…Because that would be bad’, said the stranger. Yes, yes it would, I thought as I carried on my way. A few more pictures outside, got to get the good light, and we headed into the cathedral itself. From the outside It wasn’t the most beautiful building, it’s a strange rusty colour which doesn’t fit with the image of a cathedral which I have in my mind but the inside was a completely different story.
The stained glass windows sparkled under the lights that my lighting designer boyfriend would have geeked out over. Waiters floated around with champagne and canapes whilst film crews and photographers whizzed round. It really did feel like the Oscars. Then we spotted the dining area full of hundreds of candles on tall candelabras atop over 50 round tables in long rows. It really did feel like I was about to attend the yule ball at Hogwarts.
Then I met the first of many superstars of the evening, The lovely Elin from My Blurred World, who was also nominated in my category, yet far more deserving! In 2018 she was named one of the most influential disabled people in the UK for her Disability & Lifestyle blog all about living with a visual impairment. She was diagnosed with degenerative eye condition Retinitis Pigmentosa aged 6 and was registered blind by 12. We had a lovely chat with Elin & her mum before we went to our respective tables for dinner.
Catering for my difficult dietary requirements is tricky so whenever I go to big events with mass catering my expectations are always low. However, I was very pleasantly surprised. We had a very tasty tomato soup with a gluten-free dumpling to start. Now, I’m not going to lie, I still can’t tell you what the vegetarian main was, I’m going with some kind of Polenta slice but the vegetables, fondant potatoes and sauces which accompanied it made the whole plate taste fabulous. They’d gone to great effort with the vegan dessert to make a soy panna cotta with raspberry coulis but desserts generally aren’t my thing, especially milk-based ones even if they are dairy-free, but a gave it a try.
We had some fab people on our table. From SuperTeacher Sarah Mullin, who was nominated for positive role model for gender and has way too many letters after her name, to another nominee from my category, Terry McCorry, a disability hate crime advocate and rheumatoid arthritis sufferer from Northern Ireland. He had brought along his beautiful wife Patricia. We talked twitter and walking sticks and had a lovely time.
Talking of walking sticks, I was so excited to have been gifted a brand new one for the occasion by NeoWalks. Lyndsay, who runs Neowalks, is a beautiful soul. An amputee herself she wanted to make sure people know that walking sticks can be stylish too. I had chosen the champagne fizz stick which is clear and has beautiful bubbles in the acrylic. These catch the light and make the whole stick sparkle. I think this was the first time I’d ever felt proud to use a mobility aid. It complimented my forest green, sequinned mermaid dress, which Mike had bought me last Christmas, so well and with my freshly coloured red hair I did feel like a real-life Ariel for the evening. I felt like a million dollars. As soon as I have some spare cash I know I will have a whole NeoWalks walking stick wardrobe!
Terry & I had a little wander around before the awards segment of the evening got started; the chairs were not ideal for people with hip problems. We were lucky enough to meet Sally Phillips who was so lovely and had time for everyone and asked questions despite being on a tight schedule. We also got to meet National Diversity Awards CEO Paul Sesay who thanked us for our hard work. Finally, we got to meet Dan White, who we had both met separately through Twitter. Dan is a broadcaster, writer and campaigner who had been nominated for these awards in the past but that evening he was there to celebrate the achievements of his amazing daughter Emily, who, at just 12 years old, won the award for positive role model for age. Emily was born with Spina Bifida, among other things, and has been a wheelchair user since she was 3. She wanted to see more people like her represented in TV & Books so, with the help fo her dad created ‘The Department of Ability Comic‘ which features 5 disabled superheroes. She has also appeared on almost all the major TV channels campaigning for better access & care for disabled children. She’s a true rockstar!
Then it was time for the awards to be given out. A whole host of celebrities and public figures were in attendance to present the awards from the Mayor of Liverpool herself to Reggae Reggae Sauce creator Levi Roots, and one of my all-time favourite Paralympians, Hannah Cockcroft. Presenting my category was the editor of Able Magazine, Tom Jamison and Sports Pundit Chris Kamara who rather surprising got the whole room to join him in a chorus of Let It Be which you can see in my latest vlog. Unfortunately, It was not to be for me this time, but I’d come to that conclusion as soon as the nominees had been announced and I’d seen the caliber of who I was up against. Having been shortlisted from over 28,500 nominees, I felt like a winner just being in that room. Plus, Terry and I had already had the discussion that neither of us could possibly win considering we are disabled and we were seated right at the back 😛 The prize went to the brilliant Myles Sketchley who has Schizencephaly, a rare brain defect that caused cerebral palsy, scoliosis, kyphosis. He is a youth ambassador for Strong Bones and has traveled across Europe making wheelchair accessible guides to various attractions.
Obviously, the whole room was filled with incredible people doing amazing things but one fo the main people that stood out to me was the winner of the entrepreneur of excellence award, Codilia Gapare. She is a breast cancer survivor who the first-ever range of false eyelashes for people undergoing chemotherapy called ‘C Lash‘. It’s such a simple but brilliant idea that I’m sure makes such a huge difference to people with Cancer and Alopecia. Her speech was so eloquent and she just really shone.
After the awards, we were treated to some great entertainment including a fabulous Toy Story inspired number from Jennifer Ellison’s dance company, Jelli Studios. But one of my highlights of the night was the LMA choir who you may have seen on The X Factor. There was a technical glitch at first so they treated us to an impromptu acapella performance of the Circle of Life from The Lion King which, in the acoustics of the cathedral, sounded magical. But my favourite performance of there’s, which they ended up doing as an encore, was This Is Me from The Greatest Showman. I know this song is done to death despite the fact it’s been nearly 2 years since it’s release, but having a whole room of incredible, diverse people who knew exactly what that song meant singing along was a highlight of the evening.
The evening finished with all the nominees getting on stage for a fabulous group photo. We shook hands with CEA Paul Sesay as he tried to convince us to join everyone at the after-party but after a 4 hour + journey that morning and a long evening of festivities I decided not to let the fear of missing out win and Mum and I headed back to our hotel in another £3 taxi despite it being almost 1am.
Until I was nominated for one I’d never even heard of the national diversity awards but I think they are a hugely important event which should be much better recognised. Celebrating diverse people and inclusive companies which often don’t get any recognition despite their amazing work. I’m so glad to have many so many amazing people and to have learned about so many more. Thank you so much to the NDAs for having me and huge congratulations to all of the nominees & winners.
To see more about my time at the national diversity awards and weekend in Liverpool head here to watch my vlog.